I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you inspire me to be a worse person
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Found the puke drawer
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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