I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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