my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
