Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
