I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
