ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
