Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
