Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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