i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
