Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
