good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i love accidental penises.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
