If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
