my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
