okay pat passed out under dana's car
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
