sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
