I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
