i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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