now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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