I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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