i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
