Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
