i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
