my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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