You just made me feel so damn special
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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