im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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