So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I want to be your penis for a week.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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