Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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