where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Tell her she can't have a vagina
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
