you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
