Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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