he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
