Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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