I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
