Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
