so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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