either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
