I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
