Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
