I need help removing her.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
