oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
