Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
