Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
