He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
