I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
