i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
