I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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