we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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