where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Where is the hickey?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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