apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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