I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
