she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
